The Perfect One

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Lately I’ve started losing sleep, pondering on everything that is and what could be.

I try to push away the thoughts that invade my brain and yet it always seems in vain.

While my tired soul and body beg for sleep, I lie awake thinking about things that all I wish is to set free.

I am cornered by the notion of never having another conversation with you or following my heart on what do.

Trying to overcome my mistakes;  has become more a game of survival, and less about doing whats right.

Although you were the one who had to overcome betrayal.

I’m the one who can’t sleep at night. I’m the one who never feels right and has no more will to fight.

And while I try to put myself in your shoes, there are things that being you; I still would never do.

They say that hate is the worse emotion someone can feel towards you,

but that’s cause no one has felt the ice cold actions of your indifference.

Its so clear to see all the changes in your soul and how you are so different.

Even though I fear losing you or worse losing myself, I fear more that I will no longer see you with good eyes.

That there will be no good left to love, that I will hate you so much that I will forget about all the true love.

I’m scared that I will never want to hear your name and bestow you with all the blame.

I have loved you so deeply and for such an immense lapse of time.

That I rather walk away and stay with the memory of the good man that once mine.

-M.A. Fernández

Copyright © 2018 Marlin Alicea Fernández, Soul to Ink. All Rights Reserved

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The Colors of Pain

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Some say pain is blue, but pain can be other colors as well.

Pain is orange and pink like the sunsets we used to watch together.

Pain is aqua like the car you would always arrive in to see me.

Pain is pale cream like the sand we walked upon on our first date.

Pain is light blue and purple like the sky the day you asked me to be yours.

Pain is deep red as the roses you would gift me every month until our very first year.

Pain is yellow with brown spots like the first stuffed animal you ever gave me.

Pain is white and pink like my surprise birthday cake on my nineteenth birthday.

Pain is white like the sheets we use to lay under together.

Pain is red and white like the coolers I used for all of our picnics.

Pain is green like the grass we laid on so many times.

Pain is purple and blue like the luggage we used to travel together.

Pain is black and white, like our first kitten.

Pain is black and silver like the jewelry box you personalized just for me.

Pain is colorful like the fish tank you gave me on our second anniversary.

But most of all; pain is black, a black so deep no other color can ever standout.

Pain is black like the day we parted ways,

pain is black like the moment I realized you would no longer stay.

Pain is black like the moment I lost my best friend.

Pain is black like every day we fought to try and get back together.

Pain is black like coming to grasp with the fact I was fighting in vain. 

Pain is black like crying every day.

Pain is black like feeling alone, like having no purpose.

Pain is black like flying thousands of miles only to hear you no longer loved me.

Pain is black like I still love you.

Pain is black like I will always love you and will have to live with the notion that I forever lost you.

Pain is the color attached to every broken memory.

-M.A. Fernández

Copyright © 2018 Marlin Alicea Fernández, Soul to Ink. All Rights Reserved

Third video on my youtube channel. Here is a link if you’d like to subscribe.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRfYD1fhJ6ipm96euZ_9Suw?view_as=subscriber

Second video on my youtube channel. Here is a link if you’d like to subscribe

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRfYD1fhJ6ipm96euZ_9Suw?view_as=subscriber

Hey guys! I decided to make one small change to my author profile this year by changing my author name to M.A.Fernández. I also decided to take a big step, at least for me, in my writing “career”. It can be considered my first try and I was so nervous, but I hope you guys still enjoy it.

Freedom Battles

I look into his eyes so wild so untamed. I see something else but it can’t quite be named. Maybe it’s fear or maybe it’s shame. I hear his words and think maybe it’s true, maybe we don’t need love, maybe we can choose. Maybe happiness is in the freedom that comes from being alone, maybe we don’t need another soul to feel at home. But if this is true, then why do I feel a greater peace only when he’s next to me. Why is it that only with him, do I feel free? We’re in a battle of loving and being unloved, with no help or guidance from above. We’re losing battles and hoping to win the war, while everyone seems to be keeping score.

-M. Fernández

Copyright © 2017 Marlin Alicea Fernández, Soul to Ink. All Rights Reserved

A New Day

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Sitting in class, in my first semester of my doctorate program in clinical psychology. I can’t help but wonder about, quite frankly, a little bit of everything. See I’ve been going through moments in my life that I would never be able to find a specific word to describe, which is why I decided to make a small article to share with you guys. First I’d like to start by stating that about two years ago I left home and by home I mean Puerto Rico, even though I think that home is more people than a place, home was in Puerto Rico, literally and figuratively. Yet still I left home, not because I wanted lo leave my home but because I was in search of something better, something that home could never provide, and so heartbroken an all I left home. I think home always understood even though I myself never grasped the feeling that everything was ok, that leaving was ok.

Here I was; a 21 year old female in search on labor opportunities and as many the pursuit of happiness. I searched and searched and though taking steps forward nothing felt right and I sure as heck didn’t feel complete, maybe I still don’t but that’s not the point. After spending 6 months in Connecticut, a year in Pennsylvania, obtaining a license in Personal Training (which I came to learn was not me) and obtaining a Master’s in Business Administration, still nothing felt right. I should feel accomplished but I didn’t, I didn’t really feel anything, This is where things get interesting, but I don’t want to give too many details because I don’t want to give spoilers to a future book I am developing, a book that will be fiction but that I will draw some aspects from my life.

Close to end of obtaining one of these different “tittles”, I was now a 23 year old female in an entry level job related to my college studies (psychology) and still I felt nothing. All I could think about was home, how much I missed home, how much I craved. But I had no excuse to go back, jobs would pay less and there was the little fact (sarcastic) of student loans. But I couldn’t take another minute in Pennsylvania, I hated the city, everything about it, to those who like it I’m sure you have your reasons, as I have mine for liking the country. I pondered what to do and it was a hard decision, if I were to come back home I needed a reason to come. After talking to many friends, I came to the conclusion that I would apply late to doctorate program. Agains’t all odds I got in, a story I will also tell in the future.

I backed my bags and sold everything I owned in a span of 7 days and took flight towards home. I arrived home and although everything was the same, everything felt different, part of home just wasn’t there, at least in the figurative sense. But still it was home and for the first few weeks I got to know my home as much as I could; I was still handing in assignments from my masters and starting my doctorate program. I felt good and I felt at peace, even with my incomplete peace. Then on the 20th of September my whole world changed and I mean this in every sense of the world. Hurricane Maria was passing through my home, destroying and damaging everything it found in it’s path, my aunts and uncles were scared, my animals were scared, my parents were scared, but for some reason I was not scared, I wasn’t even worried, I don’t even think I realized to what extent my home was being affected.

See but everything that begins, has an end and so Maria came and went. With it, Maria took the electricity, running water, cell service and many parts of my home. My house was almost intact after the hurricane past, but my aunts lost there homes, I had no way of communicating with my parents (who were in the states) or anyone for that matter. Two days after I started driving through my city in search of answers for my heart, I needed to know that my other home was ok. As I drove to where I would find my answers, my heart was torn my home was not the same, my home was damaged, my home was destroyed (which I will describe in greater detail when I publish my final book to a trilogy I am developing). I tried to shake the feeling but it was hard, everything looked dead and dark but I at least I was able to determine that my home was safe.

Now, close to two months after the passing of Maria I still have no electricity, running water has returned, although sometimes it leaves, cell service is never reliable, I have to drive 30 minutes to even think of using the internet or and hour and a half when I’m in school, I have to wash my clothes by hand and let me tell you something I feel blessed. I’m alive, my family is alive,my loved ones are ok, my parents know I’m ok, I have food and somewhere to live. I get to experience true silence and darkness at night, something that can be quite magical. My first book wasn’t launched when I wanted but still I was able to launch it. Being a writer in these conditions is definitely hard, being a new author and trying to share your book is near impossible, but I can still write. Even if I have to drive 30 minutes to charge my computer, even if I have to stay away from my house all day to access the internet, even if I have to charge my phone and Ipad in my car, I will still write. I will write because I am alive and I am blessed and those are the only two things I need to write.

-M. Fernández

Copyright © 2017 Marlin Alicea Fernández, Soul to Ink. All Rights Reserved